Get the Girl
by StarlightSorcerer
Summary: Richard and Dinesh have always been unlucky in love. But is their luck finally about to turn around? Uhh, I wouldn't bet on it.
1. Part 1

**Author's Note** **: This story takes place between 3.06 and 3.07**

 **Part 1**

The day began with Erlich glaring deliriously at the toaster, and Richard watching Erlich glaring deliriously at the toaster. Richard guessed his friend wasn't in a very good place at the moment, what with Bachmanity being a massive failure. When the toast finally popped up, Erlich plucked it out, eying the blackened bread with distaste, then flung it over his shoulder into the trash.

Richard looked between him and the can. "Why?"

Erlich stared pensively into space. "It's just occurred to me how many crumbs are produced by toasted foods. All of those…tiny, wasted particles falling to the privileged floors of our privileged homes where we live our privileged lives. So much food wasted, simply because we will not stand for limp bread. All of those people starving in Africa and…et cetera."

Richard squinted at him. "Are you _really_ stoned right now?"

Erlich let out a small chuckle. "It's seven AM, Richard! I'm only a little bit baked…"

"Good morning, guys." Gilfoyle sauntered into the kitchen. "How are we doing today?" As soon as he saw Erlich's mouth opening, he kept on talking: "I'm doing well. And I'll be doing even better if I don't have to hear about Erlich's bullshit problems."

"Well, Gilfoyle," Erlich began haughtily, "my problems are hardly—"

"Do you honestly think I care that you fucked yourself over? For the billionth time?" Gilfoyle narrowed his eyes. "Have we met? Hey, I'm Gilfoyle." He held out his hand.

Erlich harrumphed and crossed his arms. "Where is Dinesh? Shouldn't you be busting his balls as per usual, my friend?"

Gilfoyle shrugged. "I gotta mix it up every now and then. Gets boring otherwise."

Richard glanced at the door to the garage. "Weren't you supposed to be doing server maintenance this morning?" he asked Gilfoyle.

Gilfoyle turned to him. "Yeah. That's what I would be doing right fucking now, if Jared wasn't still banging away in there. That's the second one he's caught in the last few days."

Richard stared at the floor. "That's still happening?" he mumbled.

"Maybe not right at this moment. But I'm sure as fuck not going in there until someone comes out."

Erlich chuckled and shook his head in amusement. "I for one am very happy for our good friend. I won't say that this was all my doing, but I do have a very…inspiring erotic energy. Though, to address the proverbial elephant in the room, it is indeed odd to think of our Jared as a sexual creature. I mean, to imagine—"

"Yeah, let me stop you right there," Gilfoyle interrupted. "This whole situation has planted some unwanted images in all our heads. We don't need to talk about it."

Richard sighed in relief. "Yes, thank you, Gilfoyle."

Erlich looked to his exasperated and red-faced friend. "Richard, you've been awfully quiet. What are your thoughts on this matter?"

"I don't have any thoughts," Richard snapped. "None. None at all. I don't care what Jared does. It's not my business or your business or anyone else's business and there's nothing weird about what he's doing but talking about it is making it weird so let's just stop talking about it."

"I'm bored with this conversation," Gilfoyle announced. "I'm going back to work." Then he promptly left.

Erlich scoffed. "Ahh, who needs him. Now, to get back on topic…"

"I-I gotta go do work, too." Richard tried to escape, but Erlich grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.

"Don't be rude, Richard," Erlich chided him gently. "I think you need to work on those social skills, friend. You people need a lot of help with that, correct?"

"Excuse me?" Richard muttered.

"Now, I must say," Erlich went on, "it's very nice having someone in this house who's getting some action." He cleared his throat. "I-I mean besides myself, of course."

Richard rolled his eyes.

Erlich sighed contently. "I guess Jared and I are fuck-buddies now, wouldn't you say?"

Richard barely managed to suppress a chuckle. "I wouldn't, no."

Erlich patted Richard's shoulder and gazed sympathetically at him. "What about you, Richard? How's your woman situation?"

Richard hesitated. "Well—"

"Not good, I know," Erlich shouted over him. "You broke up with what's-her-face."

"Yeah, Winnie."

"Right, Weenie," Erlich went on distractedly. "To be honest, Richard, I don't see the quintessential rom-com ending in your future. Not that I have one myself, but that's only because my happy ending is much classier, a la Richard Linklater's The Before Trilogy. Off topic, but I highly recommend those films."

Richard shifted impatiently. "Is this going somewhere, or are you just trying to make me feel bad?"

"I'm not trying to make you feel badly," Erlich promised. "I'm simply saying that if you want to get the girl, you must take a different path. 'A road less traveled,' as Robert Frost wrote about in his famous poem."

"Actually, that poem isn't about the 'road less traveled,' but that's a really common misconception. The poem is actually titled The Road Not Taken, and it's-it's about regrets people have about the paths in life they didn't take, and wondering—"

Erlich put his hand up to silence him. "Richard, that's quite enough. But let's make this a teachable moment." He nodded thoughtfully as he laced his fingers together. "Everything you said? Everything that happened just now? It's things like this, and I'm putting this as delicately as is possible, that are making you so undesirable to women and making dating so difficult for you."

Richard scowled. "Oh, blow me."

"That sort of attitude certainly does not help, either."

Richard had a lot more he wanted to say, but both he and Erlich were distracted by some mysterious man, who was stepping cautiously into the kitchen. He was fairly classically handsome, with short, fluffy brown hair and big glistening eyes, and just a hint of a beard. He didn't seem at all pleased by Erlich and Richard's presence.

"Umm, hello," the stranger said as he walked slowly to the fridge. "Didn't know there'd be people in here," he muttered.

Erlich looked him up and down. "Excuse me, kind sir, but who the fuck are you?"

The guy took a Gatorade from the fridge and twisted it open. He turned slowly around and flashed a crooked half-smile. "Uhh, I'm Emmett. What's your name?" he asked, his tone prickly.

"Erlich Bachman," he told him. He glared at Emmett as he began to drink the Gatorade. "I'm sorry, _Emmett_ , but what gives you the right to just waltz on in here and drink my drinks?"

Emmett suddenly seemed rattled as his eyes darted around. "Well, umm, Jared said it would be okay, so…"

Erlich's eye twitched indignantly as he processed the information. "It doesn't matter what one of my tenants says. If you'd like a drink, I must grant you permission to drink it."

Emmett snorted. "Okay then, can I please have this drink?"

Erlich dipped his head politely. "You _may._ After all, you've already put your stranger mouth-germs on it, no offense."

"Cool," Emmett muttered. "Thanks." The three of them just stood there in awkward silence for far too long. Emmett and Erlich nodded and looked at each other while Richard studied the floor. Finally, Emmett said quickly, "Well, I'm gonna go now before it gets any more awkward."

"Very well, then," Erlich responded. "Enjoy your replenished electrolytes, Emmett."

Emmett just sighed then promptly left the kitchen. As he crossed the computer room, he immediately caught the attention of Dinesh, who was so intrigued he quickly forgot about his important work. He watched with wide eyes as Emmett paused briefly beside Jared, then squeezed his shoulder. Jared just smiled faintly and kept his eyes on his monitor. Dinesh could barely contain himself as he waited for Emmett to leave. As soon as he was out the door, Dinesh rolled over to Jared, nearly tumbling out of his chair in the process.

"Jared!" Dinesh hissed. "Did you fuck that Abercrombie and Fitch dude?"

Jared frowned at him. "I really wish you wouldn't use that word. That word—well, to me, anyway—implies a very aggressive, unpleasant interaction."

Dinesh sighed impatiently. "Did you have sexual relations with that GQ guy?"

"Well…yes…"

Dinesh snapped his fingers. "Ha! Yes! I knew it!" He turned to Gilfoyle, who was focused on his work and obviously disinterested in the conversation. "I knew it!" he told him.

"Congratulations," Gilfoyle drawled. "You're a true detective."

Jared shifted. "I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable…"

Dinesh spun around in his chair. "Uncomfortable?" he scoffed. "I am fucking _amazed_ right now."

"Yes," Gilfoyle mumbled his agreement. "The best of both worlds."

Dinesh sighed. "Also I'm kind of pissed off."

Gilfoyle turned around and stared at him intently. "I'm listening."

"At this point, Jared's fucked everyone in the Valley." Dinesh gestured flippantly to him. "And I can't even get one chick."

Gilfoyle chuckled.

"You shut the fuck up." Dinesh turned back to Jared. "Please, tell me your secret, man, please, I'm begging you."

"There's no secret," Jared replied gently.

"Why do people want to fuck you?" Dinesh demanded. "What are you doing? Just tell me."

"Well, it's very simple. I just…be myself. My mother from ages fourteen to sixteen once told me: 'be yourself, because you're the only you there is.'"

"Sounds like Dinesh is doomed then," Gilfoyle concluded. "Hey, don't feel bad. You had a good run. Though it was really more like a _crawl_."

Dinesh shot Jared an aggressively doubtful look. "That's seriously all you do? There's no drugs involved, not even a little bit?"

Jared shrugged cheerfully. "That's really all there is to it, I promise."

"So what's your next conquest gonna look like?" Gilfoyle questioned him.

"More Gosling-Cooper love children, probably," Dinesh grumbled.

Jared looked thoughtful. "No, no," he murmured. "I'm done with all that. These more casual encounters quickly lose their luster."

Gilfoyle blinked. "Elaborate."

"Sex is nice, but, I'd rather have it with someone I love, and who loves me back. I find much more pleasure in that sort of sex, or should I say love-making."

Gilfoyle stared blankly at him. "Eww."

"Just go get a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever, then," Dinesh muttered miserably. "You could have anyone you want in five fucking seconds."

Jared wrung his hands. "Well, I-I don't know about 'anyone,' exactly. Anyway, I'm not looking to date anymore right now. My attention needs to be elsewhere. The company comes first, after all."

"Yay for you." Dinesh got up and trudged to the door. "I'm gonna go get coffee."

Gilfoyle jumped out of his chair. "I'll come with you. You seem pretty depressed."

Dinesh raised an eyebrow at him.

"Can't have you trying to jump in front of a bus. Without me there to watch, I mean."

"There it is." As Dinesh opened the door, he noticed Richard hovering between the kitchen and computer room. "Richard, you coming?"

Richard didn't look at him, or anyone, or really anything in particular. He quickly mumbled, "N-no, I'm good, thanks," then ducked back into the kitchen.

Jared stared after him. "Is Richard okay? Maybe I should go talk to him."

"Don't bother," Gilfoyle advised.

"Yeah, he's in one of his moods," Dinesh added. "I wouldn't bother him if I were you."

Jared nodded and reluctantly remained seated.

Once Dinesh and Gilfoyle were out the door, Dinesh hissed, "Was Richard just creeping there the whole time?"

Gilfoyle gave a nod.

Dinesh squinted thoughtfully. "He was acting kinda weird. What's his problem?"

Gilfoyle shrugged.

"He must be rattled," Dinesh guessed. "I mean, right? With all the sex going on?"

"That's the most virgin-ish thing you've ever said."

"I'm not a virgin. I've had sex lots of times."

"Also a very virgin-ish thing to say."

Dinesh scoffed. "Whatever. Let's just get some caffeine already."

Gilfoyle cracked a small smile. "Good. We can play the name game."

"Don't you dare," Dinesh whispered.


	2. Part 2

**Part 2**

Gilfoyle remained completely silent as they waited in line at Starbucks. Dinesh hoped Gilfoyle had forgotten all about the name thing. But as the line started to move and they neared the counter, his hopes were dashed.

"I wonder how they'll fuck up your name this time," Gilfoyle mused.

"Please just shut the fuck up about it," Dinesh begged. "Just this one fucking time."

Gilfoyle looked him straight in the eye. "No." He glanced at the cashier. "She looks pretty ditzy. I'd say it's gonna be a pretty good one. Until then, my top five…"

Dinesh groaned loudly and shut his eyes to the world. "Fuck. You."

"…Dinnetch, Desh, Deensh, Denise, and my all-time favorite: Peenish."

Dinesh shook his head. "No, that last one never happened."

Gilfoyle narrowed his eyes at him. "August 12, 2013, at this very Starbucks."

"Oh, bullshit," Dinesh snapped. "Prove it." He glared at Gilfoyle, and Gilfoyle glared back, and Dinesh could see just how serious he was; he had to be telling the truth. "No. How the fuck do you know that?"

Gilfoyle looked away from him and stared straight ahead. "Maybe I'm just fucking with you. But maybe it's true. Maybe I have a really good memory. Or maybe I have all of your Starbucks cups stacked in my closet organized by date and the location where they were purchased."

Dinesh's eyes widened.

"You'll never know," Gilfoyle murmured.

Dinesh scoffed and tried to appear relaxed. "Pff! I know you're just fucking with me, so…"

Gilfoyle sniffed. "You're probably right. But you could be wrong. Again, you'll never know."

Dinesh shuddered. "Oh, my God…"

"Hey," Gilfoyle snapped. "No need to bring God into this. Or anything. _Ever."_

At long last, the two made it to the counter. They were greeted by a very pretty cashier: a younger girl with long, bouncy red hair and bright green eyes.

She smiled at them. "Good morning, guys! What can I get you?"

"Just a cappuccino," Dinesh replied.

"The blackest coffee you have," Gilfoyle told her slowly.

The cashier giggled. "Great! Coming right up! Can I get your guys's names, please?"

"I'm Dinesh," he told her with a warm smile. Before Gilfoyle could even open his mouth, he quickly added, "And his name is Bertram."

Gilfoyle glared furiously at him.

The cashier noticed the tension, and struggled to maintain her cheerful demeanor. "Uhh, great. So, you guys paying together, or—?"

 _"Dinesh_ is paying for _everything,"_ Gilfoyle replied icily.

"Worth it," Dinesh mumbled as he paid the cashier. When she went away to make the drinks, he shot Gilfoyle a smug look. "You know, all these years, I've been trying to figure out why you hate your name so much, and I think I've got it. So, your dad's name was also Bertram, and he was a shit dad and you guys never got along, and the name is the only thing you have in common." He smiled hopefully. "Am I right? I'm right, aren't I?"

Gilfoyle's face betrayed nothing.

"Come on, tell me."

"Not even close," Gilfoyle replied finally. "I've always hated my name. It had nothing to do with my dad, but you're right, he was shit. Anyway, his name's Amadeus."

"Bullshit. _Amadeus?_ Come on."

The cashier returned with their drinks and a polite smile. "Enjoy, you two!"

Gilfoyle picked up his cup and glared at the name written in pink sharpie ink.

Dinesh sighed contently. "This is a good day."

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Gilfoyle murmured darkly. "You're really gonna regret this."

"Still worth it." Dinesh reluctantly checked the name on his coffee. Much to his shock, it was spelled correctly. He glanced between the cup and Gilfoyle, trying to communicate this to him, but being as surprised as he was, all he could do was stand there with his mouth agape.

Gilfoyle seemed bored. "You're acting weird. I'm gonna go grab a window seat."

Dinesh barely noticed him leave. He spun around and drummed on the counter to get the cashier's attention. "Hey, excuse me? Lady?"

The red-head grinned at him and hurried away from the customer she'd been speaking with. A disgruntled employee glared at her as he took her place at the register. She skipped over to Dinesh, her grin evaporating into a more concerned expression. "Can I help you, sir?" she asked. "Is there a problem with your drink?"

"No, actually," Dinesh said, tapping the name on the cup with his pinky. The girl just bobbed her head in confusion. "You got my name right," he explained.

"Oh, right!" she giggled. "I totally did!"

Dinesh's smile grew. She was so cute! "How'd you know?"

The girl rested her chin on her hand. "Well, I studied abroad in India and Pakistan last year!" she squeaked. "I met lots of Dineshs!" Her eyes suddenly got big and she gasped. "Were you one of them?!"

Dinesh frowned. "Umm, no."

The girl nodded and narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. "Right," she murmured. "Because you live in California. And it's super unlikely that we would both be—"

"Right, yeah, that makes sense," Dinesh cut her off. He leaned on the counter, trying to appear as chill as possible. "So, what's your name?"

"I'm Sally! See?" She pointed to her name tag.

"Yeah," Dinesh muttered. He felt like an idiot for not noticing that.

Sally giggled at his embarrassed expression. "You're cute!" She tilted her head to one side. "So, where'd you come from?"

Dinesh's spirits lifted. This was his chance to recover from his brief bit of embarrassment and brag. "Actually, I live just a few blocks away." He gestured vaguely to the bustling street outside. "I do some _pretty_ important work for—"

Sally giggled again. "No, no! I mean what country are you from?"

Dinesh suppressed a sigh. "Could've worded that better, honestly," he muttered under his breath. "I-I'm from Pakistan," he replied. "Thanks for not just assuming I'm from India or something. Everybody does that."

Sally glared and nodded in agreement. "Yeah! Stupid India!"

Dinesh let out a small chuckle. "I didn't mean it like that."

Sally blushed and stared at her hands. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"That's fine. I mean you're right, actually," Dinesh joked. "Fuck India."

Sally chortled. "So, anyway, tell me about that pretty important work you do!"

Dinesh smiled confidently. "Well, I'm the senior programmer for Pied Piper. It's a real hot compression app that's gonna be out pretty soon. I-I'm not trying to sell it to you, honestly, I'm just trying to say that it's pretty impressive and I kinda had a pretty big part in creating it."

Sally blinked curiously. "Compression?"

"Yeah. Me and my guys were at TechCrunch—Umm, did you see that?" Dinesh feigned a doubtful look. "It was sort of a big thing, not that I'm bragging…"

Sally shook her head. "No, sorry."

"Well, we got a Weissman score of 5.2. _5.2._ " Dinesh stared thoughtfully out into space. "I was there, on the stage, when it all went down. Pretty intense."

"That sounds really cool! I totally wanna hear more! I bet you're real good at what you do!" Sally grinned.

Dinesh smiled back.

"You should come back later!" Sally gasped in excitement at her own idea. "I get to close the store, so I have the whole place to myself! We can hang out right here after hours!"

Dinesh stared in shock. "Umm, wow. Cool."

Sally reached across the counter, her hands grasping at the air. "Gimme your phone! I'll put my number in it so we can text until then!"

"Y-yeah, sure." Dinesh got his phone out of his pocket as quickly as possible and handed it to her. He felt giddy and anxious and more than anything, smug. He hoped Gilfoyle was witnessing all of this. He peered over at the table where his friend sat. Gilfoyle was staring blankly at him. Dinesh frowned. He wasn't sure why he'd been expecting to glean anything from his expression. When Sally finally handed back Dinesh's phone, she eyed him with concern.

"Umm, so, uhh," she mumbled. "This is a date, right?"

"Of course it is," Dinesh replied quickly.

Sally gave a nod. "Okay, good. I thought maybe that guy Bertram was your boyfriend."

Dinesh forced a smile and tried not to look as disgusted as he felt. "I assure you, I _promise_ you, he's not, and never will be, ever. _Ever."_

"Okay, I believe you." Sally chuckled and her eyes glistened beautifully. "It's just that, like, you and Bertram remind me a lot of my parents. They bicker, but they really love each other! They've been married for over twenty-five years!"

"I gotta get back to work," Dinesh said, desperate to end this particular conversation. "I'll text you in a bit."

"Awesome! Buh-bye for now, cutie!" Sally waved then bounced back to the register, where her co-worker was giving her the stink-eye.

Dinesh waved back and strode happily to the window table. Gilfoyle rose from his chair as he approached.

"What happened?" he demanded. "Were you creeping after that girl? You were looking a bit rape-y over there."

"She likes me, asshole," Dinesh reported proudly. "I got her number _and_ a date."

Gilfoyle blinked in surprise. "Huh. And how's the chick? Mentally sound? Sighted?"

"She is cute and nice and beautiful. She's perfect."

Gilfoyle drummed his fingers on his cup. "What do you mean by 'perfect?' You just met her. She could be insane. I don't think you'd consider that 'perfect,' would you? Pretty sure you only like her because she didn't fuck up your name. I guess you, understandably, have pretty low standards for 'perfect.'"

"Whatever," Dinesh scoffed. "You're just mad 'cause I hit it off with someone and now you can't pick on me."

"Oh, I can _always_ pick on you. Don't worry about that."

Dinesh retrieved his phone as they left the Starbucks. "I'm gonna text her as soon as I get in the car."

Gilfoyle nodded. "That's great, fifteen-year-old girl. Make sure you use lots of hearts and bunnies."

"Oh, I will," Dinesh replied cheerfully. Right then there was absolutely nothing that could ruin his joyful mood.


	3. Part 3

**Part 3**

It was early afternoon when Richard decided he'd done enough work to justify a little time wasting. When he finally found a few scant moments when Jared wasn't paying attention to him, he retreated to his bedroom to work on his personal computer. After things with Winnie had fallen apart, his mind wandered back to many years ago, back when he first started working at Hooli. On his first day, he was assigned to work with Big Head. Richard later found out that that was a sort of hazing ritual specially devised for new coders. They didn't count on Richard being one of the few people who could stand him, and beyond that, become his closest friend. They immediately worked well together, always getting their work done in a very timely manner, due to Richard's smarts and the fact that Big Head was never given much to do, as they didn't trust him with much.

One day, bored and with nothing to do, the two somehow got talking about online dating. They laughed about how stupid the whole thing was and about how desperate one would have to be to try to meet people like that. As a joke, they both signed up for one of the more popular dating sites. As the weeks passed, however, it became less of a joke. People actually responded to their profiles. Richard and Big Head started to think that maybe there was something to the whole online dating thing after all. Maybe it _actually_ worked!

Richard went on a small handful of dates. Big Head had a couple of them. Nothing really worked out. A few more weeks passed, and they received hardly any more messages. After that, they went back to thinking that online dating was dumb and a waste of time, and promptly abandoned their accounts. Now, many years later, Richard figured he would give it another shot. Why not? These were sites for desperate people, and he was a desperate person. He managed to find his account information and logged on. His page obviously needed some sprucing up and a few updates. The first thing he did was check the privacy settings. He needed to be sure none of his friends ever found out what he was doing. They would tease him mercilessly, and it would be more than he could take.

While Richard studied his profile, he could hear Dinesh's voice coming from down the hallway. He sounded awfully happy about something. Richard strained to hear what he was saying. Apparently, Dinesh had met a girl at Starbucks, and they had a date tonight. He was telling Erlich and Jared absolutely everything they'd said to each other. Richard felt himself growing increasingly annoyed by the conversation, so he quickly got up and closed the door.

He leaned back against the door with a heavy sigh, knowing that he had to admit it to himself. His desperation to get a girlfriend and actually lead a successful love life was all because of Jared. Seeing Jared with that pretty girl, and then with that guy…There was no denying it: he was jealous. He was jealous of Jared's confidence and ease in navigating the dating world. For so long, Richard thought himself superior. Sure, he was awkward and inexperienced and overly anxious, but at least he wasn't Jared. Compared to him, Richard was the most eligible bachelor in the Valley.

But now he knew none of that was true.

Richard sat down and stared at his computer screen, though he wasn't really reading what was on it anymore. He was fairly disgusted with himself for being so petty and envious. He couldn't believe he was letting this take up so much of his time. There was much more important work to be done. Richard closed the browser and tried to push all thoughts of romance from his mind.


	4. Part 4

**Part 4**

"You're wearing _that_ for your date?"

Gilfoyle was judging Dinesh's very plain jeans-and-a-t-shirt outfit through narrowed eyes.

Dinesh looked at himself. "There's nothing wrong with these clothes."

Gilfoyle looked him up and down again. "You're right. It's fine. You look pretty much the same no matter what you wear, anyway."

Dinesh ignored him and looked to Jared. "I look hot, right? Like I'm _totally_ getting lucky tonight, aren't I?"

Jared nervously chewed on his lip. "Well, I think it would be inappropriate for me to answer those questions, but…I will say that you look especially dashing this evening."

Dinesh smiled smugly at Gilfoyle. "See? I look great."

Gilfoyle sniffed. "Who gives a shit what Jared thinks."

Dinesh scoffed. "Were you even paying attention this morning? Jared knows a thing or two about hot guys, okay? He could actually really accurately predict what are chances are of getting laid."

Gilfoyle raised his eyebrows. "Hmm. A fair point. Jared might actually be useful for once." He nodded approvingly. "Congrats, Jared, you're finally useful."

"Good job," Dinesh said.

Jared chuckled. "Oh, you two!"

Dinesh took a deep breath. "Well, I'm off. If I could just…find my keys…" He dug through his pockets then checked his desk, but they were nowhere to be found.

"Looking for these?" Gilfoyle had Dinesh's keys dangling from his pinky finger.

Dinesh sighed. "Give them to me _now._ " He jumped to grab the keys, but Gilfoyle held them just out of reach.

"No. That area of the city is really dangerous at night, especially for people like you. I'm gonna come along and be your bodyguard."

Dinesh glared. "You expect me to believe that a bunch of racists are just creeping around the Starbucks waiting to jump me?"

Gilfoyle frowned. "Of course not. They're gonna jump you 'cause you're weak-looking. You sure have a lot of internalized racism."

Dinesh rubbed his forehead. "This is for the name thing, isn't it?"

"Good job, figuring out all that on your own."

"And you're gonna come with me on this date no matter what I do, aren't you?"

"Right again. Let's get going." Gilfoyle tauntingly swung the keys in front of Dinesh's face. "I'm driving. Hope I don't hit any curbs on the way there."

Dinesh groaned. "Fine. Let's get this over with."

Jared smiled at both of them. "You guys have fun. Dinesh, just remember to relax. Be yourself! And smile, too, that's important. Ask her plenty of questions—"

"Okay, I got it, _Mom_ ," Dinesh snapped.

"There he goes with the be yourself shit again," Gilfoyle muttered. "Bad advice."

The two of them crossed the yard to the car, Gilfoyle walking with smug satisfaction and Dinesh trailing behind.

"You better not ruin this date for me," Dinesh hissed.

"I won't," Gilfoyle responded. "Or I will. Guess you'll have to wait and see."

Dinesh shook his head at him and reluctantly got in the car. He had a feeling this would be a long night.

* * *

Gilfoyle parked the car in front of the Starbucks. He peered into the dark building, searching for any signs of movement. "I don't see anybody," he muttered. "Maybe this was all an elaborate prank."

Dinesh stared into the Starbucks as well, beginning to feel a bit doubtful. "Sh-she's definitely in there. Gotta be." With a worried sigh, he tugged the door handle.

"Wait a minute."

"What now?" Dinesh groaned.

Gilfoyle scoffed. "I drove you here and I don't even get a thank you?"

Dinesh narrowed his eyes. "No."

Gilfoyle shook his head. "That's no way to treat your boyfriend."

"Wha…?" Dinesh's face burned with embarrassment. "You heard what Sally said, didn't you?"

"Oh, I did," Gilfoyle whispered. "Every word. And I think she's right. There's love here. Don't deny it." He reached across the seat and squeezed Dinesh's knee.

Dinesh pulled away from him. "Oh, fuck off!"

"Come on, Dinesh," Gilfoyle murmured. "I can't fight this feeling anymore, and I know you can't either. Forget the girl. Let's just go for it. We'll get in the back seat, you open your mouth real big, and I'll give it to you how you like it."

"That's disgusting."

"That's homophobic."

"I'm leaving." Dinesh swung the door open then paused. "What? You're not gonna follow me in?"

Gilfoyle glanced between him and the Starbucks. "No, I'm good. I've had my fill of entertainment for tonight."

Dinesh breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God."

Gilfoyle cracked a small smile. "I'll just be here, waiting for some back seat action. Hope you don't mind if I start without you."

Dinesh rolled his eyes and got out of the car, slamming the door hard behind him. He was wary of his surroundings as he crossed the sidewalk. Gilfoyle was very likely lying about the area being dangerous, but Dinesh wasn't taking any chances. He knocked on the door of the coffeehouse, then pressed his face to the glass to get a good look inside. Still dark and empty. He started to think maybe Gilfoyle was right, and she wouldn't be there. He glanced at Gilfoyle, who stared back at him, stoic and still. Just as Dinesh considered leaving, he heard the door creak open behind him. He spun around with a start to see Sally waiting in the doorway, her bright green eyes seeming to glow in the dark.

Sally waved cheerfully. "Hiya, Dinesh! Come on in!"

Dinesh's face lit up as he followed her into the Starbucks. "Thought you weren't gonna be here," he admitted.

Sally dramatically flipped on the lights. She raised an eyebrow at him. "Really? But I told you I'd be here, so of course I'm here." She smiled warmly. "I wouldn't lie!"

Dinesh smiled back. "Of course."

Sally plopped down in the window seat and gestured to the empty chair across from her. "Let's start doing date-y stuff!"

Dinesh nodded enthusiastically and sat down. As he searched his mind for something to talk about, he realized with a rush of anxiety that he couldn't think of anything. They'd been texting each other all day, and had exhausted a great many topics. They'd talked about Silicon Valley: what they liked and didn't like about it, and how long they'd been there. They'd discussed all the places they'd lived before. Dinesh had described his job in detail, and Sally had told him that she wanted to be a linguist. Dinesh realized then that he had monopolized the job conversation, so thankfully there was still something to talk about.

"Tell me about that linguist stuff," Dinesh said.

Sally relaxed, obviously relieved that the awkward silence was over. "I just love anything to do with languages! It's _totally_ the most super interesting thing ever! I was thinking maybe I'll be a translator, ya know? I already speak fluent Spanish, French, and Japanese! Oh, and English!"

Dinesh snorted. "Yeah, I know."

Sally smiled shyly down at the table. "Right, yeah. Also, umm, I also would like to be a technical writer. What about that company you work for? Does Pied Piper need a technical writer?"

"Uhh, not really," Dinesh told her.

"Oh no!" Sally slapped her hands over her mouth. "I'm not trying to beg for a job, I swear!" she shouted through her fingers. "I-I was just curious!"

Dinesh chuckled. "Don't worry about it."

Sally brightened. "Okie dokie, then!" Suddenly, her expression grew tight and serious, and she leaned slowly across the table. "I think this date's going well so far," she whispered, like she was telling a secret. "What do you think?"

Dinesh leaned closer to her, close enough that he could smell her lavender shampoo. "Yeah, it's going well," he whispered back.

"Yay!" Sally cheered. "I thought so!"

Dinesh smiled and leaned just a little bit closer to her. But as he did, Sally straightened up and peered out the window. He sighed. She was that easily distracted?

"Is that your friend Bertram out there?" Sally asked.

Dinesh looked out the window. Gilfoyle sat in the car, drumming his fingers on the wheel and staring down the dark road. "Yeah, he drove me here," he explained hurriedly.

Sally frowned. "He sure looks bored out there…"

"He's fine," Dinesh assured her. "Seriously, he likes sitting in cars alone. Don't worry about him."

Sally turned back to him with a bright smile. "Okay, I won't worry. This is our night, after all!"

Dinesh smiled smugly. "Yes, it is." He was happy, and Gilfoyle was bored and miserable. Everything was as it should be.


	5. Part 5

**Part 5**

"Did you blow it?" Gilfoyle asked when Dinesh returned to the car.

Dinesh sighed contently. "That was, hands down, the best date I've had in five years."

"You've been on two other dates in the last five years. Not a lot of competition."

"Less talking, more driving." Dinesh snapped his fingers. "Take me home, Bertram."

Gilfoyle bristled. "Call me that again, and I'll drive us both off the nearest cliff." With a threatening glare, he shifted the car and made sure to scrape the door on the large curb as they drove off.

"Come on, man," Dinesh groaned.

"Hey, you just went on a fucking great date. Don't you think you've had enough happiness for tonight?"

Dinesh just sat quietly for a while, watching the dark buildings fly by. Then, suddenly, something occurred to him. He turned slowly to Gilfoyle with a knowing smile.

Gilfoyle watched him out of the corner of his eye. "You look really fucking creepy right now. Seriously, wipe that rape-y smile off your face."

Dinesh poked Gilfoyle's shoulder. "You wanted me to have a nice time, didn't you?"

Gilfoyle smacked his hand away. "Don't touch the driver."

"You could have come into that Starbucks and sabotaged everything. But you didn't. You stayed in the car." Dinesh patted his friend's hand. "Thank you."

"I do know where the nearest cliff is," Gilfoyle threatened.

Dinesh gazed thoughtfully at him. "You really are a huge asshole, _but,_ underneath _that_ …yeah, you're still an asshole. But underneath that and a couple million layers of shit, you are actually almost a decent human being."

"Yeah, sure. Keep telling yourself that."

"I will, because it's the truth."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Dinesh squeezed Gilfoyle's knee as tight as he could. "You're right, Gilfy. There's love here."

Gilfoyle growled furiously. "Satan help me." He dug his fingernails into Dinesh's hand, and Dinesh yanked his arm back with a yelp of pain.

"What the fuck was that?" Dinesh cried. "It's like you've got werewolf claws!" He examined the back of his hand. "You almost popped a vein, you fucking maniac!"

Gilfoyle smiled. "There, that's more like it."


	6. Part 6

**Part 6**

It was getting late, and Gilfoyle and Dinesh still hadn't returned. Richard hoped that Dinesh had had a good date. Most likely though, Gilfoyle had ruined everything. Richard felt bad, but what could be done? Once Gilfoyle had set his mind on something, there was no steering him away, for better or worse. Richard pushed those thoughts from his mind and resolved to get back to work. He stretched out on the couch with his laptop and brought up his dating profile again. He had some spare time for this, he kept telling himself. But spare time or not, this whole thing was just ridiculous, another part of him said. Richard turned up his music to dangerously high levels, in order to drown out those more bothersome thoughts. Ahh, yes: the sounds of San Holo pouring from his headphones, the glow of his laptop…it was all very peaceful. At least until a hand clamped down on his shoulder, and suddenly he was in some old horror movie.

Richard jumped and made some fearful noise he couldn't hear over the blaring music, which was a blessing, because he knew it was most likely high-pitched and loud and embarrassing. He scrambled to catch his laptop before it hit the floor, then ripped off his headphones. At this point, reality hit him, and he realized he probably wasn't being attacked by a creature of the night. He whipped around and finally saw Jared hovering over him, with his trademarked look of concern. Richard laid his head back and let out an exasperated sigh.

"I'm sorry for startling you," Jared murmured.

"It's-it's fine," Richard breathed. He removed his headphones from around his neck and, remembering what was on his laptop, quickly slammed it shut. "Umm, what's up?'

Jared smiled faintly. "Richard, are you okay? You seem awfully distressed. I…Well…" He hesitated. "I feel like you've been avoiding me. Was it something I said? Or did? Perhaps something that came to light this morning…?"

Richard struggled to hear him, as his voice grew quieter as he went on. He really wasn't sure what Jared was talking about. Then it dawned on him, and he felt like a real dope. He nodded quickly. "Right, yeah, of course." Only when he saw the look of horror on Jared's face did he realize how that sounded. "I-I mean no! Th-that doesn't bother me, that you're…That's fine. I'm fine with it."

Jared breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's good to hear. I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable around me."

Richard nodded, his eyes wandering back to his laptop. He just wanted to get back to "work."

"So, then, what's wrong?" Jared pressed. He eyed Richard's laptop. "Are you working on something particularly stressful?"

"It's nothing important," Richard told him. "It's nothing to do with Pied Piper or anything, so…"

Jared shrugged. "Just because it's unrelated to Pied Piper doesn't mean it's not important." He smiled warmly. "I'm sure there are plenty of things that are important to you that have nothing to do with Pied Piper. How can I help you?"

Richard thought for a moment. He really didn't want anyone knowing about his online dating escapades. But Jared was different; he definitely wouldn't mock him like some other people he knew. Jared was just being a good friend. Plus, a few moments ago, Jared probably thought Richard was about to go on a biphobic tirade. Richard figured it would be a good idea to throw him a bone. "Don't tell anyone about this," he muttered as he opened his laptop and handed it over. He was immediately embarrassed by Jared's overly joyful reaction to his profile. "What?"

Jared didn't seem to hear him as he scrolled through Richard's profile and clicked on everything he could.

 _"Jared,"_ Richard raised his voice to get his attention.

Jared glanced at him, startled. "Oh! I was just…Well, I was worried it was something serious. Why are you so stressed about this?" He gazed worriedly at his friend.

Richard shifted and fidgeted and stammered. "I-I don't even know. It's-it's stupid. I was just gonna d-delete it anyway, probably…"

Jared's eyes seemed to light up. "Would you like me to help you with your profile? It's already a very nice page, of course, but…I could edit a few things, add a few things."

Richard's face burned as he imagined his profile with Jared's changes. "Umm, pl-please don't. I-I can just do all that stuff myself. Like I said though, I'll probably just delete it." He reached over the couch to grab his laptop, but Jared held it out of reach. He scoffed at his sorrowful expression. "What is it?"

"W-well, why do you want to delete it?" Jared asked.

Richard suppressed a groan. "Because I just don't like it, all right? That's all. Th-there's not some big dramatic secret reason!" He huffed, then added more softly, "Okay? I'm fine. Can I have my computer back? Please?"

Jared nodded and handed back his laptop.

"Thanks," Richard muttered. He stared at the screen and tried not to notice Jared's infuriatingly pensive expression. He hoped that the conversation was over.

"I know dating can be frustrating," Jared began.

"Just…" Richard trailed off with a sigh. He knew there was no point; there was nothing he could do to stop Jared talking.

"But don't give up," Jared encouraged him. "There are plenty of people out there who will love you for who you are. All you have to do is find them."

Richard nodded and smiled politely. "Of course." He struggled to think of what else to say. Jared's overly emotional behavior either overwhelmed him, or just weirded him out. No one else, except his parents, ever said such sweet and corny things to him and actually meant it. "Th-thanks for saying that," he got out at last.

Jared grinned. "I'm only stating the truth."

Richard nodded. "Yep." He felt greatly relieved when he heard the front door open, and Dinesh came bouncing into the room. "Good date?" he asked him.

Dinesh smiled dazedly. "Oh, it was absolutely fantastic."

Richard raised his eyebrows, surprised by the news. So Gilfoyle hadn't ruined everything after all. "Th-that's great."

Gilfoyle trudged into the room. "I know, I'm as shocked as you are." He placed his hand on Dinesh's shoulder. "Dinesh actually didn't fuck it up. He's learning. Maybe."

Dinesh distractedly swatted his hand away. "Sally's great, seriously," he went on, still obviously flustered by the whole experience. "We just clicked right away, you know? It was perfect. Except…" He sighed and gazed forlornly off into space. "Would've really liked to have slept with her. That'd be _extra_ perfect."

"Well, there's no rush," Jared told him.

Gilfoyle narrowed his eyes. "That's hilarious coming from you."

Dinesh examined his t-shirt with a look of mild disgust. "Maybe my outfit's the problem."

Gilfoyle studied his clothes. "Yeah, I guess it's not so 'dashing' after all." He stared pointedly at Jared. "Is it?"

Jared shrugged. "I-I can't speak for everyone—"

"What if I just dressed really super fancy, huh?" Dinesh wondered. "May be just crazy enough to work." He pointed to Jared. "If a guy wore a tux on a date, would you fuck him?"

"I-I don't really—" Jared trailed off, shocked and caught off guard by the question. "I suppose…it would depend on the man, and where the date was. Because if we were, say, going to a more fancy—"

"Oh, you're so longwinded," Dinesh sighed. "Point, Jared, get to it. We're not talking about specific situations here, this is a yes or no question, all right? Answer, please?"

Jared checked his watch. "Oh my, it's very late. I'm sorry, but, I really need to get some rest." He smiled politely as he squeezed past Dinesh and Gilfoyle. Dinesh immediately ran after him.

"Wait, hold on!" he called. "I just have, like, seven and a half more questions!"

Gilfoyle shook his head. "He's never gonna get an answer. So much for Jared being useful." His eyes darted to Richard's computer. "What are you working on?"

Richard scrambled to close his laptop. "Oh, nothing, just, umm, uhh…" He brightened as he came up with what he thought was a great lie. "Just looking at porn. Lots and lots of porn. Hours of people fucking each other, just…just the way I like it."

Gilfoyle narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "You don't watch porn. You said it gives you anxiety."

Richard glanced around nervously, as if searching for an answer in the room. "W-well, I-I found something I liked."

"What was it?"

"Umm…" Richard was too tired to come up with something. He just laid his head back again and let the question hang there.

Gilfoyle scoffed. "I can tell you're lying. But I don't really care why." He promptly left. "Good night, Richard."

"'Night," Richard muttered miserably.


	7. Part 7

**Part 7**

The next day, Dinesh returned to Sally's Starbucks, hoping for another delightful interaction. And, of course, a much sexier second date. However, when he got there, Sally was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the cashier was the grumpy man from yesterday. There weren't many customers, so he was focused on scrubbing a particularly tough spot of something from the counter.

Dinesh hurried over to him, thankful that there was no line for a change. He waved his hand in front of the guy's face, but he didn't look up. "Hey, guy? 'Scuse me, but, is Sally here today?"

The man continued to glare at the counter and his useless cleaning rag. "No, Jason's here." He pointed uselessly to his name tag.

Dinesh's eye twitched in annoyance. "Yeah, okay, do you know when she'll be back?"

Jason finally looked up at him, his eyebrows raised. "Oh, you're Dinesh, right?"

"Yeah…?"

"That's right: Sally said she was dating some guy named Dinesh, from, like, Syria or whatever. She wanted me to talk to you." He licked his cleaning rag, winced at the taste, then continued scrubbing the counter. "She left this morning. Went to Poland or something. Part of some study abroad shit that she's doing. She forgot to tell you."

Dinesh was stunned. "She fucking forgot?"

Jason rolled his eyes. "Yep. But, I mean, you met her, you know how she is: airheaded. That's why I call her Silly Sally, among other things. Anyway, she came in here earlier crying about how she 'totally super forgot' 'til the middle of the night and she felt bad she didn't tell you and blah blah blah. You get the gist."

Dinesh felt absolutely crushed by the news. He leaned back against the counter and tried to collect himself. Immediately, Jason shooed him away with his rag.

"Come on, Aleppo, I got work to do," he grumbled.

"When's she coming back?" Dinesh sighed.

Jason snorted. "Jeez, I donno, like, six to eight months?" He picked his nose with his pinkie then flicked the booger towards the window. "Oh, well. Easy come, easy go. So you gonna buy anything or what, guy? Let's hurry it up, 'kay?" He gestured to the nearly empty place. "I got customers waiting."

"I'm going," Dinesh grumbled as he trudged to the door. Now he understood why there was no line.

* * *

Dinesh immediately told Gilfoyle what had happened. He considered not doing so; it wasn't as though Gilfoyle would try to comfort him. But that was pointless: he'd find out sooner or later anyway. Best to just get it over with.

"If you want my opinion," Gilfoyle said as soon as Dinesh had finished his story.

"I don't," Dinesh retorted.

"She's kind of a ditz. I'd say you dodged a bullet there."

Dinesh frowned. "Thanks for your input."

"Sorry that happened," Richard said. "That sucks."

Jared nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's too bad."

Dinesh shook his head. "Let's just stop talking about it already." Just then his phone vibrated in his pocket and he lazily pulled it out to see who had texted. He had received a few messages from Sally:

 _im really sorry :( couldve texted u but i really wanted to tell u in person_

 _u talked to jason right? hes 1 of my best buddies! im sure he was able to cheer u up a bit right?_

Dinesh glared at that last one. Sally really couldn't tell what a jackass Jason was? Her goofy kindness had obviously caused her jackass detector to break. It would have been much better to get the information from one of Sally's texts, than from Jason by any means. The last text he found particularly depressing:

 _we can still text each other! :)_

Dinesh knew very well what she meant by that. "Think she wants to do some kinda long distance thing," he told the guys.

"And would you want that?" Jared asked.

"Uhh, no. Those never work."

Jared nodded, eyes glistening with profound sadness. "Well, then, tell her…tell her that you have greatly enjoyed the time you've spent together, but, because of the circumstances, the relationship must end."

Dinesh only half-listened as he typed. Obviously he was composing his own message; he had no idea why Jared was trying to give him help he didn't ask for nor need. "Right, great, thanks."

Despite Dinesh's apparent disinterest, Jared went on anyway. "Tell her that being with her has just meant the world to you. And say that there has been a change in your heart. A bud of infatuation has blossomed into a beautiful rose of love."

Dinesh frowned at him. "Umm, I just met her. There's no love."

Jared stared off into space, obviously not hearing a word. "Say that you wish things were different. You understand that her studies are important, but at the same time you are furious that they are what keeps you from being with her. B-because how could anything get in the way of your deep, powerful feelings?"

Dinesh raised an eyebrow. "You okay, buddy?"

"I-I'll be fine," Jared squeaked, his voice breaking. Then he quickly got up and fled the room.

"Good job, Dinesh," Gilfoyle muttered. "You made Jared cry."

Dinesh sighed. "I didn't do anything!"

Richard stayed in the doorway a moment, not knowing what to make of anything that'd just happened. He tried to duck back into the kitchen and immediately bumped into Erlich pretty hard. Luckily Erlich's bulbous tummy softened the blow.

"Ahh, Richard, good morning to you," he said. He sighed and gazed somberly into the computer room. "Poor Dinesh. It really is so very sad, isn't it? Pathetic even."

Dinesh shot him a glare. "I can hear you, asshole!"

Erlich ignored him. "Speaking of which, how's your dating life going, Richard?"

"It's not," Richard replied.

Erlich slowly shook his head. "And yet you refuse my help. It is certainly true what they say: 'you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.'" He squeezed Richard's shoulder. "When you're ready to drink, young stallion, come find me." He retreated to the back of the house before Richard could respond, not that he particularly wanted to, of course.

At that moment, Richard's phone made a sound it had never made before. He frowned curiously as he fished it out of his pocket. Apparently he had forgotten to sign out of that dating site. But he was glad he hadn't, as he'd just received a message. He read it hurriedly, not even bothering to check who had sent it:

 _hey im on here now too. i wish us both luck._

Richard shook his head in confusion. What was that supposed to mean? Then he saw who the sender was, and the words made sense. He peeked into the computer room. Dinesh looked up at him, smiling sadly. Richard just nodded.

Luck? He doubted there was enough in the whole world for even one of them.


End file.
